Hell, p.30
Hell, page 30
Tat looked at Hod, practically glowing, bubbling over with excitement. And why not? According to her visions, all her problems were about to be solved. For Tat however, the problems were just beginning.
“But, what am I supposed to do?”
“You’ll know when the choice is made, the Universe tends to work that way...”
Reaching the top of the stairs, Tat paused a moment before the doors. As she turned to respond, her escort was nowhere to be seen. As if she up and vanished into thin air.
Alone on the stairs...
Her gut clenched in familiar fear as an inevitable dread wrapped itself around her. Pushing into the room, she promptly chilled to the bone…
All the guests were dead. Slaughtered like the animals they resembled.
The painted girl idled a moment before slowly making her way into the abattoir that the rousing celebration had become. Senses drinking in every last gory detail. The sight of gallons of blood coating the floor in a treacherous mire, strewn with organs and entrails. The smell of cooked meat, cloying and sick. The heavy, ominous silence where once laughter and revelry had reigned. Coming at last to stand, open mouthed, in the center of the room, aghast at the macabre spectacle of flesh melted from blackened bones.
They’d fallen where they stood, limbs akimbo, piled atop one another, faces frozen forever into grim death masques. How was she remaining so calm? She reached inside herself, searching for feeling, for anything, finding naught but a bottomless chasm yawning precipitously within, devoid of any recognizable human erratum...
They all deserved what they got.
Among the innumerable dead, she began to discern the minute details that marked the bodies of those she’d known. There was the broken body of Malkuth, identifiable only by the scraps of unburnt fabric clinging wetly to the corpse. There, Binah and Geburrah, collapsed in a pitiful pile. There was, however, only one for whom she searched.
The all-encompassing silence was deafening, closing in around her all at once as she began to scan around, looking for her with cool detachment...
There!
A shock of singed blonde hair caught her eye, at the bottom of a heap of dead near the stage. Tat began to dig, tearing through sodden fabric, desiccated meat and crumbling bones to get to her, displaying no more emotion than a threshing machine at harvest. Heaving off the last of the bodies she uncovered Tiphareth, or her head at least, cradled in the arms of a handsome wolf, fur blackened to charred carbon filaments…
She screamed then, a piercing wail that split the silent hall. The black chasm within her recoiled, sealing shut with a rush of human empathy that exploded out of her in an ear splitting shriek.
“Tatiana! What’s wrong?”
Jerking away from a sudden hand laid on her shoulder, she spun around to see Binah, looking worried and concerned.
“What?!” Tat cried, whirling about to see that she’d attracted the attention of the nameless, anonymous crowd, many looking at her as if she were quite mad, screaming at the top of her lungs in the middle of the celebration.
It had all been a vision.
“Everyone was dead. All of you!” Pointing as she made the accusation, leveling her finger at the crowd en mass as she slowly turned back to Binah, “I shouldn’t be here.”
“Of course you should. Calm yourself child, nothing is amiss.”
“No, I’m leaving. Now.”
Forgive me Hod, I’m no angel...
“Tatiana, after the sun is down, the one door in or out is sealed. Nobody leaves until tomorrow morning.”
This news had the immediate effect of igniting her claustrophobia. The simple fact that she couldn’t leave, even though there was plenty of space, turned this entire building into a coffin.
She started to pull away.
“Geburah will you help me please?” Binah called for assistance as Tat ran through the doors for the second time that evening. If she was being forced to stay, she had to have another shot. Taking the stairs up two at a time, back toward the Atrium, handbag already in her hands. No fumbling with the catch this time…
Slumped against the wall of the tunnel leading to the vault door, breathing deep, feeling everything wash away. The spent needle slipped through her fingers to the cobblestones below and she kicked it into the undergrowth surrounding the Tree, shivering as it tinkled across the flagstones. Sooner or later they would come for her, Binah, Geburah, maybe even Kether, but that ceased to matter for the moment.
Dropping into one of the leather chairs, Tat let her head tip back onto the low headrest, seeking to banish the grisly spectacle freshly burned into her memory. How much more could she take? How much longer must she be tortured to earn her freedom?
Two hands slipped over her eyes from behind.
“Guess who.” Tiphareth whispered in her ear.
Tat tensed up, unprepared for this confrontation, letting the question pass by unanswered.
“Having a rough night?”
The empathy in her voice was such that it coaxed a reply from sealed lips, “You have no idea.”
Tiphareth uncovered her eyes, hands lightly caressing her cheeks, drifting along the delicate curve of her throat, down to gently massage her shoulders. Tat began to pull away, finding herself drawn gently, yet firmly, back into her seat.
“Just relax. You’re so tense, a stiff breeze could cause you to crumble.” Her voice, like her kneading fingers, at once insistent yet benign.
Against all instinct, Tat did as she was told, melting again into the chair, suffering Tiphareth’s ministrations with all the apprehension of an antelope under the watchful eyes of a lioness.
“I don’t like to be touched.” She mumbled, feeling the muscles of her shoulders reluctantly slacken. Realizing then that she was tensing nearly every muscle in her body, and had been for most of her life...
“I understand and respect that. And this isn’t about me touching you. It’s about you being soothed in a time of pain, and touch is the way I know best,” her soft, clear voice, tiptoeing in through her ears to massage her mind. “Something happened to you just now, you saw something.”
Tat was finding it nearly impossible to remain awake as Tiphareth deftly untied a lifetime of knots deep within her aching muscles. “Yes,” she breathed. “Everyone was dead, you, Jack, Binah, everyone. All my fault. But, more than that… this city is doomed… I’ve seen it… consumed by fire, reclaimed by the Earth.” She was rambling now.
She felt Tiphareth shudder through the tantalizing point of contact between them, “Who are you?” She asked, her patrician voice betraying a morbid curiosity.
“I don’t know.” Tat whispered.
Silence persisted for a time, in which Tat was pretty sure she nodded off for a moment, for when she came to, Tiphareth was seated across from her. Their knees nearly touching, her eyes, intently gazing.
“What’s it like? Heroin, I mean.”
It’s the only thing that makes me want to go on living.
She almost said it; her first impulse. Loath to admit, even to herself, but the thought that she stayed alive for Maria, or any imagined hope for her new life, was eclipsed by the simple fact that if she was dead, she would never feel this again. Somehow she’d allowed it to worm its way inside her until the hunger was now all she was.
Instead of answering, she jumped to a conclusion. “You knew I was watching. You and Jack, I mean.”
Tiphareth hesitated, a pensive furrowing of an angelic brow.
“Of course I knew. Hod is nothing if not thoroughly transparent in her motives. I’d planned on telling you tonight anyway, but I never could resist a bit of role play.” Her smile shone forth as genuine. Dripping with mischief, yet ostensibly free of cunning or guile.
“Jack saved me, in more ways than one. If anything, I should be thanking you.”
“I want you to know, I meant no harm. It was mainly for your own protection. You’ve come to concern me a great deal.”
Tat nodded, marshalling her courage for what was surely coming next. Might as well cut to the chase, it was doubtful she’d ever be able to muster more bravery than right now…
“You’re going to try to seduce me tonight.” Tat accused, suppressed heart rate jumping.
“Oh, how direct, I like that. I make no secret about it, but you say it like it’s a bad thing.”
“It is, it’s unnatural.”
Tiphareth laughed, as if she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “No darling, sex, in all its forms, is the most natural thing under the sun. What is unnatural is this era’s all too human tendency to equate that which is pleasurable with that which is evil.”
Tat hadn’t expected an argument. Forced to think fast, knowing that running out of excuses would be tantamount to an admission of defeat. Instead of an intelligent counterpoint, bigotry was all she could grasp.
“I mean, for a woman to lie with another woman is wrong, a perversion.”
This time, instead of laughter, her words were met with a sombre, almost hurt expression. “Oh, Tatiana. Perversion?” She heaved a heavy sigh, “I can tell someone has hurt you. Filled you with poisonous words, thoughts and feelings.”
As she spoke, Tiphareth slowly leaned forward in her chair to the point that Tat feared she’d fall out of her dress. Reflexively glancing down, for the briefest instant she wavered, wondering how it would feel, their two bodies pressed together in carnal lust…
No, it will never be, it mustn’t.
Shaking off these traitorous thoughts. Raising her eyes once again, Tiphareth wore a triumphant smirk, as if knowing that all was going according to plan.
She continued to press, her voice taking on the sweetness of honey, “I could help you forget all that. Don’t let your natural fears, or even worse, parental or societal programming, keep us from experiencing what could be the greatest night of our lives. I truly believe that, united, we could move the very foundations of heaven and Earth. I meant it when I said I never wanted to feel anything else ever again. The Auric you channeled into me that day is what I imagine heroin is to you. But, unlike heroin, it only took one shot to hook me.” She paused, letting that sink in. A wandering hand, once again finding itself alighted upon Tat’s knee.
Tat examined her metaphor. Taking it literally, by her rejection, she was denying this beautiful creature the one thing she lived for. She suddenly understood Tiphareth infinitely better.
“I’m sorry I called you a whore,” she began.
“I accept your apology...”
“But there’s no way anything is ever going to happen between us.” Tat tried her best to exude confidence, pretty sure she failed miserably.
Tiphareth’s smirk grew into a toothy grin.
“Whatever you say, Seldeen. I am a patient creature, and do so love a good chase. Though to be honest, I am usually pursued, rather than pursuant. Know that I am quite adept at creating my own reality, and I always get what I want. Through thought, word and deed; through ritual, dream and intent; summoned by candle, by book, and by bell, I have marked you. You belong to me now.”
Tiphareth’s soliloquy gave Tat butterflies in her stomach. The final line sending chills up her spine, as the blatant honesty in her voice transformed a rather sinister statement into a seeming promise of shelter and protection…
“I thought you were going to behave yourself tonight.” Tat muttered.
“This is me behaving myself.” Tiphareth purred.
Before Tat could reply, the four great clocks came to life in a maelstrom of ringing bells, startling them both and bringing Tiphareth to her feet. For several seconds, cacophony reigned, before winding down and subsiding.
“Damn! It’s time. Well, are you ready to go back? Netzach will be making her entrance before long and Hod will be ever so disappointed if you miss it.” Voice tinged with a covetous edge.
“Tiphareth, what am I getting myself into? Hod thinks I’m an… an angel, sent to save you all from a demon.”
“Oh, believe me I know, she’s been quite vocal about it. I can see how her visions could be interpreted that way. Especially since she’s in a state of such close association with the inorganic consciousness inside Netzach; however, I fear that interpretation has been tainted by childhood fantasy and abandonment issues.”
“Have you, as well, had visions about me?” Tat asked with great embarrassment. What was she doing? This should be the least of her concerns at the moment.
“I have, though I do not wish to discuss them now.” Tiphareth demurred, busying herself with a shoe strap.
“You would keep such secrets from me?” Tat queried, affecting the voice of innocence.
Tiphareth frowned, marring her perfect features. She obviously didn’t appreciate being manipulated in this fashion, acquiescing only under protest.
“In you, I’ve seen the advent of the destroyer. Though the destroyer of what hasn’t been made clear. Destruction isn’t always a bad thing, such as the removal of barriers or obstacles, a clearing away of old paradigms so the new can unfold. But your talk of death and the city consumed certainly hasn’t laid my mind to rest.”
“Do you have any idea what my visions might mean?” Tat implored.
“It’s far too soon to say, and unfortunately we have precious little time to discuss such matters at the moment. If I had to venture a guess, I suspect the being inside Netzach can sense your presence here and is using its etheric nature to exert psychic pressure upon you, which is manifesting in your consciousness as visions of death and destruction. The two of you are connected somehow, and it fears you, that much is clear. In fact, after you left here last, it spent all night retracing our path through the tree in a state of extreme agitation, sniffing you out, banishing all traces of your aura from the Tree’s astral structure.”
A chill enveloped Tat, real fear sinking its tendrils into her bones. “I can’t do this, I…”
In response, Tiphareth reached out her hand. When Tat took it she was yanked to her feet and into a crushing embrace.
“My darling, I will never allow you to come to harm while there is a single breath of life in my body. This is the promise I make to you, I will always protect you.”
The raucous fanfare that greeted her previous entrance was this time conspicuously absent. A restless air of anticipation hung over the subdued crowd, which had gathered in a throng at the far end of the hall. Indeed the only one to notice them enter was Hod, pacing nervously at the rear of the press like a frightened animal.
Likewise, the close physical proximity cultivated by Tiphareth on their descent was similarly abandoned, abruptly drifting apart as they approached. Tat was of two minds, at once relieved at her departure, yet experiencing a pang of something she identified as misguided jealousy as she saw her fall in with Malkuth with a familiar clutch and a deep kiss...
“Is everything alright?” Hod asked as Tat joined her and Yesod, moving into the crowd to obtain a better vantage point for the coming spectacle. Through the crush of bodies she could spy an elaborate altar, decorated with skulls and bones of many small animals, surrounded by seven braziers...
“Ask me when this is over.” Tat mumbled, fear intensifying.
“She’ll be here any moment now, god my heart is fit to burst.” Yesod, visibly shaking, sprightly features transfigured by grief. Hod tenderly encircled her, all the while keeping her eyes on Tat.
“It’s alright, Yessi, our angel is here…” She consoled.
Before Tat could interject, she was startled by a rough hand on her shoulder. Turning around to see Jack, wolf mask pushed back on his head, a large glass of red wine in his hand. Judging from the stains around his lips, he’d already drank his fill.
“Fancy seeing you here innit?” While his words were slightly slurred, his eyes were still sharp. “I owe you an apology, milady. I was not entirely truthful with you. But, like dear mum used to say, withholding the truth is not a lie. She only wanted to know more about you.”
Tat searched her feelings. Should she feign anger at this imagined betrayal? It hardly seemed to matter at this point. “I know. You have nothing to apologize for… you saved me, Jack,” remembering her primary desire, she moved a little closer to him. “I’m running low…” She whispered.
Before Jack could answer, a flare of light burst out in the gloom, alarming the crowd as one by one the seven braziers that surrounded the altar erupted to life, giving off dense clouds of pungent incense. Tat craned her neck, failing to see anyone in the vicinity who could’ve lit them. The people around her began to murmur uneasily as the fragrant smoke wove it’s ethereal tendrils among them, lending an atmosphere of theatrical mystery to the proceedings.
Yesod appeared to be on the verge of flight, wringing her hands, weeping silently as Hod sought to comfort her in vain, “If you truly are an angel, as Hod says, then stay close to me, I’ll have need of you.” Her hoarse plea echoing her sinking hopes.
It was then that the main doors opened with a long creak, and Tat got her first glimpse of a Demon…
Her mask was a deer skull, complete with an impressive rack of antlers alight with a spectral, blue flame. The authenticity of the skull corroborated by bits of flesh and viscera still clinging to the bleached bone. She wore no clothing but a skirt of braided grass about her pendulous hips. Across her naked shoulders was slung a live goat, bleating out what seemed futile cries for help. At the sight of her, Yesod let out a strangled sob, burying her face in Hod’s shoulder.
After perching on the threshold, frozen in observation, for nearly a minute, the creature brazenly strode into the room, the crowd parting to allow passage to the altar. As misfortune would have it, that part left them standing directly in her path. Compelled to step back quite abruptly as she passed, heedless of her sister’s anguish.
Tat could feel the power radiating off her, what the sephirah referred to as Auric, manifested as the puckering of gooseflesh simultaneously over the entirety of her body. The stench of a defiled grave followed her in a dense aura, punctuated with a distinctly chemical aroma arising from whatever was applied to the antlers to cause them to burn so blue. Several fat, black flies buzzed purposefully in her wake, brushing against Tat’s face with a fluttering of disgusting wings. Though she courageously sought to steal a glimpse of the eyes deep within the darkened sockets of the skull, she was denied.
